Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
my being single is dangerous.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize