apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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