mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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