I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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