he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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