We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
