Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
