I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
