i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
