meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
