How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
