i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
it's like heaven, but drunker
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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