Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
