Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Randomize
