Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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