my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
