I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
