i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
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