Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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