When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
