Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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