I think I won the penis lottery.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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