I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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