You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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