I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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