The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
