the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
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