dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
