A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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