My sheets look like a crime scene.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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