theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
