I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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