Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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