I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
