Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
