Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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