I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Randomize
