Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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