I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Drunk is not a location!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
