She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
