Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
