I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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