This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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