good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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