I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
