So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
