please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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