Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
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