my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Hippo gnu deer
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
