i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Randomize
