I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
