The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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