You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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