I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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