Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
