I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
