I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
