My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
