I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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